The Investment of Checking In

An easier way to think of a “return on investment” is to consider what do I get out of my investment in dollars, energy, or time. A good financial return will often earn you back your money invested plus additional dollars. A good investment in physical health will save you money on healthcare costs and save you from the emotional toll of an illness. An investment in your relationship leads to feeling fulfilled and avoiding unnecessary mistakes in communication or breaking of trust.

Maintaining a strong, emotional connection in a marriage can be challenging, especially in today’s fast-paced society. It’s easy to lose ourselves in our work, our children, and our devices. With all of the distractions of daily life, it’s common for marital connection to be put on the back burner. After working with couples in crisis over many years, I began to encourage couples to invest daily in their relationship through a daily check in. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.

In a strong marriage, your partner is your primary source of emotional attachment and security. Therefore, it’s beneficial to keep a pulse on how each other is doing. Without incorporating this common practice, miscommunication happens, or we find ourselves reading the tone and energy of our partner the wrong way. Imagine coming home from a long day of work. You’re tired, stressed, and the kids are hungry. Your partner has had a similarly overwhelming day. As soon as you walk into the house, your partner asks what’s for dinner. It is common for the first interaction with one another after a long, hectic day to set the tone for the evening. If your partner jumps into questions about dinner, kids, and baths without checking in with you, it’s possible that an argument could follow.

How to Invest with a Magic Question

What if, instead, your partner paused with you as you set your things down and asked simply, “what do you need tonight?” This question is beneficial for couples, as it encourages each partner to assess their energy and evaluate their individual needs for the rest of the evening. Sometimes, we need some peace and quiet, or perhaps we need quality time. You might find that you just need a few minutes to yourself to decompress from your hectic day before diving into the evening routine. Checking in with your partner allows for each of you to share what kind of day you’ve had and what kind of evening would be fulfilling for you. By giving each other the freedom to express a need for quiet, connection, support, or quality time and then being willing to do your part to meet the needs of your partner, you provide a safe place for your partner to let their guard down. This will ultimately enhance the marital connection.

What If Partners Need Conflicting Things?

This all sounds great, right? But what happens when one partner needs to be alone and the other partner needs quality time together? If you spend a lifetime with the same person and regularly practice the art of checking in, you’re bound to have this happen more than once. The purpose of checking in is to learn to identify your needs and to effectively communicate them to your partner. There’s nothing wrong with needing some alone time to recharge, just as there is nothing wrong with needing good quality time together to reconnect. In the event that your partner’s needs for the evening directly conflict with yours, acknowledge the need for different things and ask your partner for a compromise. Perhaps they can give the kids a bath while you enjoy some alone time, and then the two of you can meet up later in the evening to watch a show together. It’s important to put together a loose plan that meets the needs of both partners so each of you will feel cared for.

Learning how to check in with your partner as a small, daily practice can build better communication as well as help each of you to learn how to assess your own needs within the relationship. By making this a daily ritual, you will avoid senseless arguments that often occur between couples when they are feeling overwhelmed or tired. This small investment in your relationship often results in a huge return. Giving one another an opportunity to ask for what is needed while demonstrating a willingness to meet those needs sets the tone for the evening and shows that you value your partner’s well-being.