Couples Archives - Boston Couples Therapy https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/tag/couples/ Boston Couples Therapy Tue, 15 Jun 2021 14:42:05 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.5 Should We Break Up? https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/should-we-break-up/ https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/should-we-break-up/#respond Fri, 27 Nov 2020 14:32:00 +0000 https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/?p=493 "Should we break up?" is the question most often asked by people who are unhappy in their relationships. Learn why a couples therapist cannot tell you whether to stay together or not.

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Should We Break Up?

When meeting with couples, I get one question almost more than any other: “Should we break up?” In a world with so much uncertainty, couples on the brink are likely searching for the certainty an expert could offer. A well-trained couples therapist would never answer this question with a direct “Yes or No” and understandably that may frustrate some couples.

Couples come to therapy and lay out their hearts and their shared distress and they see the therapist as the “expert.” So, a refusal to answer this question may leave you frustrated or confused. How come a couples therapist won’t tell you whether to break up? There are a few reasons.

Skin in the Game

There’s an excerpt I like from the book, Skin in the Game, by Nicholas Taleb:

I went on television once to announce a newly published book and got stuck in the studio, drafted to become part of a roundtable with two journalists plus the anchor. The topic of the day was Microsoft, a company that was in existence at the time. Everyone, including the anchor, chipped in. My turn came: ‘I own no Microsoft stock, I am short no Microsoft stock, hence I can’t talk about it.’

“Skin in the game” is short hand for personal investment. I am not a member of your relationship and your decision does not affect my day-to-day life. I am invested in making sure you reach your relationship goals, but whatever decision you make will have real impactful implications in your life. The downside if I offer an opinion and its wrong is zero. For that reason, it would be unfair of me to have such a profound impact on the decision. Without a true investment in the decision, I cannot and should not give an opinion.

Lack of Direct Expertise

Now do not get me wrong, I do consider myself an expert. I have an expertise in communication, an expertise in building intimacy, an expertise in helping couples hear each other and an expertise in mental health. However, I do not have an expertise in your specific relationship. Only the members of a relationship (you!) have that expertise and they should be the ones who make such a big decision. I can help explore different options, consider all factors, have difficult discussions, examine individual and relational needs and support you in making critical decisions. Sadly, I cannot answer this difficult question for you.

Note: This post includes an Amazon affiliate link.

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]]> https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/should-we-break-up/feed/ 0 Myths about Second Marriages https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/if-youre-thinking-about-a-second-marriage-here-are-some-common-myths-and-misconceptions-to-avoid-so-that-your-next-marriage-works-better-than-the-first/ https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/if-youre-thinking-about-a-second-marriage-here-are-some-common-myths-and-misconceptions-to-avoid-so-that-your-next-marriage-works-better-than-the-first/#respond Wed, 18 Nov 2020 14:26:00 +0000 https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/?p=482 If you're thinking about a second marriage, here are some common myths and misconceptions to avoid so that your next marriage works better than the first!

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Myths about Second Marriages

The idea of starting a second marriage can bring excitement, fear, anxiety, and joy to someone who was previously divorced. According to a Pew Study in 2013, 40% of all marriages are those in which at least one partner is remarrying. Because second adolescence is a stage of divorce, many people looking to remarry may be blinded with optimism about how their new relationship will turn out. Although it is good to have an open mind and be excited about a new relationship, you should be wary of these common misconceptions about second marriages.

Families will blend with effortless ease.

This used to be referred to as the “Brady Bunch Myth.” Many people are so in love that they assume their families will feel as excited and willing to adapt as they do. While difficulties with blended families can be managed, they might not be wrapped up in thirty minutes like on television. Blending families often takes hard work and even if both spouses are doing everything right, the family dynamic may remain chaotic for some time.

This marriage will be completely different than your first marriage.

Although you might have nothing but negative things to say about your previous spouse, it is important that you reflect on your contribution to the ending of your first marriage. Otherwise, your second marriage might be a repeat of your first. Even if your partner seems like complete opposites of your first spouse, patterns may repeat themselves if you have not properly analyzed your prior marriages.

Your child or children will love their new step-parent as much as you do.

Love takes time. It is created through nurture, structure, and bonding. It cannot be forced or created overnight. If you wish for your child to grow to love their step-parent, then give them time. If you try to force it or make love mandatory, you will create separation and anger.

Your child will support your new marriage.

Forget loving their step-parent, but you at least expect your children to support your happiness and desire to be married! This may be wishful thinking in some circumstances. Many children feel a pull of loyalty to their parent that will interfere with their ability to bless your new union. Over time, this can be softened. It is important to realize that children can take the longest to adjust to this change. Other children may never be able to have anything more than a polite, non-hostile relationship with their step-parent.

Everything can be solved

The hard truth is that not every disagreement can be solved. Communication certainly helps the process of blending families, but it won’t cure all problems. Some problems will require acceptance instead of resolution.

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]]> https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/if-youre-thinking-about-a-second-marriage-here-are-some-common-myths-and-misconceptions-to-avoid-so-that-your-next-marriage-works-better-than-the-first/feed/ 0 3 Things to Know One Month into a New Relationship https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/one-month-into-a-new-relationship/ https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/one-month-into-a-new-relationship/#respond Wed, 18 Nov 2020 13:21:59 +0000 https://www.bostoncouplestherapy.com/?p=420 If you've been dating someone for one month, there's no doubt that both of you have learned a lot about each other. Here are three things you may want to know about your partner moving forward.

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3 Things to Know One Month into a New Relationship

Your new partner might have so many unknowns that you don’t know where they live. That’s ok, because there are no rules in dating that say you need to know your partner’s address after a month of dating. However, if you’re looking for something longer term than a fling then it is important to find out these three things one month into the relationship.

Make sure to ask these 3 questions before diving headfirst into anything serious!

Do They Want to Get Married?

You don’t need to know whether you want to marry this person. If you already know you don’t want to marry them, break up! But, if you are interested in your partner and have specific goals around marriage, you need to determine if your partner is on the same page. This can be awkward to ask straight up, but some creative questioning can help you get your answers. “My friend is having a lavish wedding. I think I want something simple. What about you?” Either way, make sure you know your partner’s intentions one month into a new relationship.

How Do They Communicate with Their Family?

This one will be trickier to assess if you are only one month into a new relationship. Is your partner answering calls or texts from their family members on every date? Do they constantly talk about them? Have they not mentioned any family at all? People have different levels of closeness and comfort around that closeness. If you are the type to have extremely close family ties, a partner who is perfectly happy talking to his parents once a month might bother the hell out of you. This is worth paying attention to if you are interested in a long-term relationship.

How Does Your Partner Spend Money?

Money is the thing no one wants to talk about, but research shows it is important in relationships. Some research shows it is the top predictor of divorce. You can start assessing how your partner treats money from the first date. If you love to spend, but your partner counts coupons, lust will only get you so far. Even if you think you can overcome this, it may make sense to cut ties if you and your partner treat finances differently. So, by one month into a new relationship, make sure you have assessed how your partner handles their finances.

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