Should We Break Up?
When meeting with couples, I get one question almost more than any other: “Should we break up?” In a world with so much uncertainty, couples on the brink are likely searching for the certainty an expert could offer. A well-trained couples therapist would never answer this question with a direct “Yes or No” and understandably that may frustrate some couples.
Couples come to therapy and lay out their hearts and their shared distress and they see the therapist as the “expert.” So, a refusal to answer this question may leave you frustrated or confused. How come a couples therapist won’t tell you whether to break up? There are a few reasons.
Skin in the Game
There’s an excerpt I like from the book, Skin in the Game, by Nicholas Taleb:
I went on television once to announce a newly published book and got stuck in the studio, drafted to become part of a roundtable with two journalists plus the anchor. The topic of the day was Microsoft, a company that was in existence at the time. Everyone, including the anchor, chipped in. My turn came: ‘I own no Microsoft stock, I am short no Microsoft stock, hence I can’t talk about it.’
“Skin in the game” is short hand for personal investment. I am not a member of your relationship and your decision does not affect my day-to-day life. I am invested in making sure you reach your relationship goals, but whatever decision you make will have real impactful implications in your life. The downside if I offer an opinion and its wrong is zero. For that reason, it would be unfair of me to have such a profound impact on the decision. Without a true investment in the decision, I cannot and should not give an opinion.
Lack of Direct Expertise
Now do not get me wrong, I do consider myself an expert. I have an expertise in communication, an expertise in building intimacy, an expertise in helping couples hear each other and an expertise in mental health. However, I do not have an expertise in your specific relationship. Only the members of a relationship (you!) have that expertise and they should be the ones who make such a big decision. I can help explore different options, consider all factors, have difficult discussions, examine individual and relational needs and support you in making critical decisions. Sadly, I cannot answer this difficult question for you.
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