When I first begin to meet with a couple, one of the most important discussions we have is the difference between content and process. There’s a reason that this tops my list of priorities in sessions. Helping couples understand the difference between the two can set the course for meeting their therapy goals.

Content is what you and your partner might come into the session wanting to discuss. Examples include, “Brady always forgets to wash the dishes,” or “Diane won’t meet my family when she said she would.” These arguments are usually topical and might include common themes like child-rearing, in-laws, finances, or vacations. It’s typical for couples to continue their arguments over content upon entering the therapist’s office. In fact, many couples perceive the therapist’s role as “judge,” and they often enter a session pleading their case, and wanting a winner declared.

Therapists, however, are trained to avoid the quicksand of content in favor of process. Process refers to how couples communicate such as tone of voice, word choice, and communication patterns like passive aggression. A great example of process would be speaking in absolutes. When a partner states that, “he never listens to me,” or “she always rejects me,” they are expressing an absolute. While the feeling behind these statements are entirely valid, a therapist’s ears perk up at the mention of “always” and “never.” They can’t possibly be true, as no one ever does anything all of the time or never at all. Absolutes indicate that deeper, more vulnerable feelings are the driving force behind the story. By focusing on process, couples are able to reconnect through shared emotional experiences.

It’s not so much what couples say to each other, rather it’s how they say it, that can damage their marriage. I work closely with couples to shift their focus away from the content of their latest argument toward the process of how they communicate with one another. By adopting this practice early on in our sessions, couples can learn new ways to communicate and see real healing happen within their relationship. Reach out to me today if you and your partner could benefit from learning more about how you communicate!