Should We Break Up?

Adam Goodman — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 14:32:00 +0000

Should We Break Up?

When meeting with couples, I get one question almost more than any other: “Should we break up?” In a world with so much uncertainty, couples on the brink are likely searching for the certainty an expert could offer. A well-trained couples therapist would never answer this question with a direct “Yes or No” and understandably that may frustrate some couples.

Couples come to therapy and lay out their hearts and their shared distress and they see the therapist as the “expert.” So, a refusal to answer this question may leave you frustrated or confused. How come a couples therapist won’t tell you whether to break up? There are a few reasons.

Skin in the Game

There’s an excerpt I like from the book, Skin in the Game, by Nicholas Taleb:

I went on television once to announce a newly published book and got stuck in the studio, drafted to become part of a roundtable with two journalists plus the anchor. The topic of the day was Microsoft, a company that was in existence at the time. Everyone, including the anchor, chipped in. My turn came: ‘I own no Microsoft stock, I am short no Microsoft stock, hence I can’t talk about it.’

“Skin in the game” is short hand for personal investment. I am not a member of your relationship and your decision does not affect my day-to-day life. I am invested in making sure you reach your relationship goals, but whatever decision you make will have real impactful implications in your life. The downside if I offer an opinion and its wrong is zero. For that reason, it would be unfair of me to have such a profound impact on the decision. Without a true investment in the decision, I cannot and should not give an opinion.

Lack of Direct Expertise

Now do not get me wrong, I do consider myself an expert. I have an expertise in communication, an expertise in building intimacy, an expertise in helping couples hear each other and an expertise in mental health. However, I do not have an expertise in your specific relationship. Only the members of a relationship (you!) have that expertise and they should be the ones who make such a big decision. I can help explore different options, consider all factors, have difficult discussions, examine individual and relational needs and support you in making critical decisions. Sadly, I cannot answer this difficult question for you.

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Tips on How to Deal with an Ex-Spouse

Adam Goodman — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 18:10:05 +0000

Tips on How to Deal with an Ex-Spouse

For some dealing with an ex-spouse is an extremely difficult task. Although divorce may occur, subtracting negative emotions is not as easy as changing your legal status. If you are blending a new family or even just trying to be successful co-parents, cooperation with an ex-spouse will be paramount. Most importantly, you will have to protect your child from being caught in the middle of the parental distress. Here are helpful tips on how to deal with ex-spouse.

Tell Your Ex-Spouse How Important They Are to You

This doesn’t mean you should behave like you two are still married or in love, but it is important that your ex-spouse knows you value them as a parent and that you will need their help in parenting your child. if you don’t have children there might not be much need to continue having your ex-spouse in your life.

Step Parents Should Not Be Called Mom or Dad.

Even though a new spouse might be doing some heavy lifting when it comes to parenting, they are not your children’s parent and they should not be referred to as “Mom” or “Dad”. Try giving step parents a different name or just letting your kids call them by their first name. This respectful move will help build goodwill with your ex-spouse.

If You Remarry, Encourage a Civil Relationship between Your Ex-Spouse and Your New Spouse.

Do not go overboard here, this does not mean that your new spouse and ex-spouse should be hanging out in their free time, but seeing parents interact civilly with a new spouse will comfort children and let them know that everything is okay and that it is safe to have a relationship with both the parents and the new spouse.

Do Not Criticize an Ex-spouse in Front of a Child.

Criticizing an ex-spouse can cause your child to question their parental loyalty and will increase their anxiety. It is important you swallow your anger for your children’s sake and that means sharing your grievances with close friends, adult family members or a therapist. In fact, criticizing an ex-spouse can traumatize your child. The underlying anger this creates can ruin your chance at a peaceful new relationship.

Don’t stay married emotionally!

Legal divorce can be the end of your relationship with your ex-spouse, but often, it is not. By holding on to unproductive emotions like anger, revenge or bitterness you continue your bind with your ex-partner. Because you are still connected so deeply, this interferes with emotional separation and creating a new life with someone

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Should We Break Up?