Should We Break Up?

Adam Goodman — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 14:32:00 +0000

Should We Break Up?

When meeting with couples, I get one question almost more than any other: “Should we break up?” In a world with so much uncertainty, couples on the brink are likely searching for the certainty an expert could offer. A well-trained couples therapist would never answer this question with a direct “Yes or No” and understandably that may frustrate some couples.

Couples come to therapy and lay out their hearts and their shared distress and they see the therapist as the “expert.” So, a refusal to answer this question may leave you frustrated or confused. How come a couples therapist won’t tell you whether to break up? There are a few reasons.

Skin in the Game

There’s an excerpt I like from the book, Skin in the Game, by Nicholas Taleb:

I went on television once to announce a newly published book and got stuck in the studio, drafted to become part of a roundtable with two journalists plus the anchor. The topic of the day was Microsoft, a company that was in existence at the time. Everyone, including the anchor, chipped in. My turn came: ‘I own no Microsoft stock, I am short no Microsoft stock, hence I can’t talk about it.’

“Skin in the game” is short hand for personal investment. I am not a member of your relationship and your decision does not affect my day-to-day life. I am invested in making sure you reach your relationship goals, but whatever decision you make will have real impactful implications in your life. The downside if I offer an opinion and its wrong is zero. For that reason, it would be unfair of me to have such a profound impact on the decision. Without a true investment in the decision, I cannot and should not give an opinion.

Lack of Direct Expertise

Now do not get me wrong, I do consider myself an expert. I have an expertise in communication, an expertise in building intimacy, an expertise in helping couples hear each other and an expertise in mental health. However, I do not have an expertise in your specific relationship. Only the members of a relationship (you!) have that expertise and they should be the ones who make such a big decision. I can help explore different options, consider all factors, have difficult discussions, examine individual and relational needs and support you in making critical decisions. Sadly, I cannot answer this difficult question for you.

Note: This post includes an Amazon affiliate link.

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3 Things to Know One Month into a New Relationship

Adam Goodman — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 13:21:59 +0000

3 Things to Know One Month into a New Relationship

Your new partner might have so many unknowns that you don’t know where they live. That’s ok, because there are no rules in dating that say you need to know your partner’s address after a month of dating. However, if you’re looking for something longer term than a fling then it is important to find out these three things one month into the relationship.

Make sure to ask these 3 questions before diving headfirst into anything serious!

Do They Want to Get Married?

You don’t need to know whether you want to marry this person. If you already know you don’t want to marry them, break up! But, if you are interested in your partner and have specific goals around marriage, you need to determine if your partner is on the same page. This can be awkward to ask straight up, but some creative questioning can help you get your answers. “My friend is having a lavish wedding. I think I want something simple. What about you?” Either way, make sure you know your partner’s intentions one month into a new relationship.

How Do They Communicate with Their Family?

This one will be trickier to assess if you are only one month into a new relationship. Is your partner answering calls or texts from their family members on every date? Do they constantly talk about them? Have they not mentioned any family at all? People have different levels of closeness and comfort around that closeness. If you are the type to have extremely close family ties, a partner who is perfectly happy talking to his parents once a month might bother the hell out of you. This is worth paying attention to if you are interested in a long-term relationship.

How Does Your Partner Spend Money?

Money is the thing no one wants to talk about, but research shows it is important in relationships. Some research shows it is the top predictor of divorce. You can start assessing how your partner treats money from the first date. If you love to spend, but your partner counts coupons, lust will only get you so far. Even if you think you can overcome this, it may make sense to cut ties if you and your partner treat finances differently. So, by one month into a new relationship, make sure you have assessed how your partner handles their finances.

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Should We Break Up?