The post New Year’s Resolutions for Couples appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>The start of a new year is always filled with excitement and anticipation – but it’s also a perfect time for couples to take the opportunity to set some resolutions together. Whether you’ve been together for years or just started dating, New Year’s resolutions can be an enjoyable way to foster your relationship and strengthen your bond even further.
Making New Year’s resolutions as a couple is a great way to stay committed to working on your relationship throughout the year. Here are five ideas for amazing New Year’s resolutions that couples can make together:
1. Prioritize quality time: Make time in your schedule to have quality conversations and activities with each other that don’t involve distractions such as phones or laptops. This could include activities such as cooking together, taking walks, visiting museums, playing occasional games or simply having meaningful conversations.
2. Celebrate milestones: Some people might view big dates such as birthdays and anniversaries as obligations – instead, why not turn them into celebrations? Celebrating special days in the year doesn’t have to mean lavish gifts or expensive vacations; it could be something small like planning a picnic with each other or having an evening at home playing board games.
3. Acknowledge each other’s strengths: No one person has all the answers, so take the opportunity this year to call out one another’s strengths – whether it’s organizational skills, tech know-how, patience or creativity. Remind each other of what you admire about them and celebrate those qualities whenever possible!
4. Learn something new together: Take advantage of group classes, workshops and courses where you can learn something new alongside each other. Learning new things is a great way to add joy and variety into relationships – plus it can help bring about deeper conversations too!
5. Regular check-ins: Last but certainly not least – regular check-ins are essential for any relationship to ensure that both people feel heard and appreciated without any assumptions being made by either side of the partnership. It doesn’t have to be long or difficult; it could simply be asking “How was your day? Is there anything I can do for you?” before bedtime every night (or whatever times suit best).
Ultimately, resolving to commit more time towards improving your relationship every day is key! With these five ideas in mind, why not pick one (or two!) that sounds most inspiring this New Year?
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]]>The post Everything You Need To Know About Getting a Divorce in Massachusetts appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>At Boston Couples Therapy, we always try to help couples who want to stay together. However, there are circumstances where a divorce is in the best interests of both parties. Divorce can be a painful process. It’s bad if you don’t have children and it can be even worse if you do have kids. This post is intended to help you learn about divorce in Massachusetts. It is intended to detail factual legal information about divorce in Massachusetts but does not constitute legal advice.
Legal Separation. Married couples can end their marriages through annulment or divorce in Massachusetts. A spouse who separates without a divorce can request child support and spousal support if they are seeking these awards.
There are various reasons for separating, but not divorcing. These include religious reasons, or financial reasons, like health insurance or tax advantages.
In order to avoid deportation, a noncitizen should establish separate support before ending his or her marriage.
Annulment. In Massachusetts, an annulment is allowed if the marriage was void or voidable. If you meet one of the criteria for annulment then this will be your next step.
If your marriage can’t be undone by law, it is a void marriage. If you weren’t legally permitted to marry because of a particular problem but the state will allow you to choose to remain married, you have a voidable marriage.
Reasons for a void marriage include:
Reasons for a voidable marriage include:
Divorce. Getting divorced in Massachusetts is a lengthy but final process. As soon as the court grants an Absolute Decree, all ties are severed, assets and debts divided by law, custody and alimony issues resolved, and each spouse goes their separate way.
Getting a divorce in Massachusetts can either be done with no-fault or fault-based grounds. In the case of no-fault, you only need to cite “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for ending your marriage.
In order to file for a “fault-based” divorce in Massachusetts, the plaintiff must prove that one or more of the grounds permitted by statute exists. These include adultery, substance abuse/addiction, cruel and abusive treatment, desertion for 1 year or longer, and imprisonment for 5 years or longer.
Understanding all of the options for divorcing in Massachusetts is an important step when you’re thinking about starting the divorce process.
Deciding to pursue an uncontested divorce in Massachusetts or deciding whether you want a cooperative effort could significantly reduce both time and costs.
It is important to note that no specific type of divorce is better than another. The decision is extremely personal and unique to your situation.
Divorce is a complicated process, and as such you need to find out what kind of divorce process will work best for you. It should reflect the dynamics in your relationship with your spouse so that it can be resolved quickly and easily.
One popular approach to get a divorce is “Do It Yourself.” This means you avoid using any professionals to save costs. This one may seem straightforward but don’t be fooled— it comes with some serious drawbacks. Unless you are unmarried and childless, this approach is probably best avoided unless needed for cost-saving purposes.
Online Divorce is a relatively new option. It is a better choice for most people than the DIY option. An online divorce platform can be a great option for situations where both spouses are on the same page and there is not much conflict in the process. You’ll use guided interviews to complete all of the forms, and get educated about all of the key legal issues involved. This will boil things down to an online choice between filing one-sided (and expensive) or collaborative divorce paperwork without worrying as much about high lawyer fees.
The most costly and high-stress option available is litigation. In cases where a couple can’t come to an agreement, this is the default process. Although settlements happen more often than not, litigating a divorce is often harmful to your relationship with a spouse, your children, and your checkbook.
If your spouse has a high-conflict personality (narcissist, borderline, etc.) or there is domestic violence, litigation might be necessary. Litigation is also the favored choice of those trying to punish their partner. However, it’s important to think about the big picture before deciding what’s best for both of you in the long run.
Divorce is more than a legal process, it concerns money and children. That’s why collaborative divorce includes a team of lawyers, coaches, and financial specialists to handle these aspects. Collaborative divorce requires the parties to commit to staying out of court. The removal of the threat of litigation improves collaboration, creativity, and negotiation.
Mediation uses neutral third-party professionals (typically attorneys or therapists (or someone who is both!)) who will work to create agreements between you and your spouse. Mediation offers an opportunity for you to brainstorm options, understand each other’s views, and make compromises with the mediator as a guide.
The first step is to gather all your important financial information in one place.
Approach your divorce without cutting corners or skimping on time and attention to detail. That will guarantee you the best possible financial settlement with your spouse, protect your rights, and give you a chance of achieving a lower-stress divorce. When getting a divorce in Massachusetts, certain things should be done early and systematically. Here is a list of actions to take before you begin collecting financial information in relation to getting a divorce:
Next, you should begin to collect financial documentation. This includes the following non-exhaustive list:
The type of divorce you file in Massachusetts will determine what forms are necessary.
After filling out your divorce forms, you can file them with the Probate and Family Court. If both of you lived in the same county before filing for divorce, you can file by going to the Probate and Family Court in that county. Otherwise, you can go to the Probate and Family Court closest to whichever county either of you lives in now.
Within 90 days of filing your complaint, you must serve notice to your spouse.
Attempting to serve family law papers on your own is ineffective in Massachusetts. You can hire a sheriff or constable for this service. It’s best to turn in the original complaint, summons, Track Assignment Notice, affidavit of indigency (a separate document), and Affidavit Disclosing Care or Counsel Proceedings (a separate document) with them. They’ll also need a copy of the Automatic Restraining Order if needed.
The sheriff or constable will complete service in person and return a completed Proof of Service to either you or the court directly.
When the sheriff or constable cannot locate the defendant after good faith attempts, filing a Motion for Alternative Service is necessary. You will then be provided with alternative methods of service such as mail or published notice.
You can file for a divorce in Massachusetts without an attorney.
The first step in an uncontested divorce is for you to decide if you’ll be filing one or not. If you don’t want to use a lawyer, it is in your best interest to file an uncontested divorce because it will make the drafting of a separation agreement easier and quicker.
If you and your spouse can’t agree, consider using a mediator rather than involving lawyers. A mediator will guide you through the process of reaching an agreement on all issues of financial concern. This collaborative approach should help make it possible for each party to feel heard and respected, leading to agreements that both parties can be happy with. They will guide you through settling outstanding issues and will help you peacefully settle difficult issues like child support and custody, alimony, and asset division.
If you file for divorce in Massachusetts, you will be required to pay specific fees as listed below:
– A $200 filing fee. This can be waived if your income is below a specific threshold.
– A $15 surcharge on requests.
– A $5 summons charge
Divorce law expenses can cost anywhere from $200 to $500 per hour, depending on the complexity of your specific case. A retainer is also usually required upfront.
Expect to spend between $3,000 and $7,000 if you need to consult a mediator or arbitrator. Some judges may require couples to try mediation.
A contested divorce in Massachusetts can cost tens of thousands of dollars, depending on factors like the number of assets involved and disagreements over child custody and support.
If your divorce is uncontested and you and your spouse file a separation agreement as joint petitioners, the process usually takes roughly three months. In complicated situations, where both spouses remain in disagreement with each other, divorce proceedings can last longer.
Parenting classes are a must for parents with minor children and are required of anyone who wants to file for divorce in the state of Massachusetts.
Once you file your joint petition for divorce along with your financial statements, the court will schedule a hearing date. It can take a few weeks between filing your documents and receiving the hearing date. If the court approves your separation agreement, it will issues a temporary divorce judgment (known as a Judgment of Divorce Nisi) 30 days later. The judgment will become final within 90 days of that order.
So, in summary, the entire divorce process usually takes about 7 to 8 months if the divorce is uncontested.
In contested divorces in Massachusetts, the couple must wait six months from the filing date to have a divorce hearing where a Judgment of Divorce Nisi may be issued. The Judgment will become final within 90 days after that. If both parties settle during those six months, then they can switch to an uncontested process without having to go through the entire 6-month period.
In Massachusetts, a contested divorce process should take no more than 14 months from filing to entering a judgment. However, depending on various factors like court backlog and personal needs of the parties involved, it may take longer.
The answer for most people is “Yes.” If your divorce case is complex, involving for example child custody, alimony or property division, then you should hire professionals to help you with it (for example divorce lawyers and divorce mediators).
This advice also applies if you are representing yourself in divorce court. It will save a lot of stress on you because highly experienced divorce professionals know the relevant divorce laws and can provide proper guidance and assistance without additional expenses.
You may also want to consider working with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst if your finances are complex. A CDFA can help you make decisions about alimony, child support, asset division, and retirement.
Divorce in Massachusetts is a straightforward process. Once one spouse files for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences, there is no defense; all that needs to be done on behalf of the defendant is to state they can’t live with you or state their love has died.
When you are served with papers for a contested divorce, one party’s decision can’t stop the other from getting a divorce. If your spouse refuses to sign an agreement about how you want to split assets and divide custody of your kids, it means that ultimately a judge will decide those details instead.
The divorce decree lays out the rights and responsibilities of each spouse. This includes financial responsibilities, division of assets, child custody, visitation, alimony, child support, and other issues.
After your divorce is final, you can request a certified copy of your Divorce Decree from the court that granted the divorce. A certified copy will cost $20 plus an additional $1 for each page beside the first one.
A court-granted decree is legally binding, meaning if either party fails to live up to the terms of the decree it may be necessary for the other party to take action.
A divorce certificate is a simple document that declares the end of a marriage to be legally valid.
A divorce certificate provides proof that a couple is no longer married and can be used as proof in some legal documents such as obtaining a driver’s license or being able to marry again.
Divorce is a difficult and painful process for both parties involved. However, it may be the best decision if your marriage has become unbearable or irreconcilable. You’ll find that there are many resources online to help you learn more about divorce, including this blog post on all aspects of the process in Massachusetts. I hope this has been informative and helpful as you consider what steps to take with your own relationship or family situation. If you are interested in working to repair your marriage or you want to get started in understanding how mediation can work for divorcing couples, get in touch today!
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]]>The post Ultimate Guide to Couples Therapy in Boston (and Beyond) for 2021 appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>Couples therapy is an option for couples seeking professional guidance for an issue occurring in their relationship. Some Boston couples may seek sexual growth or help to change negative communication patterns. The main difference between therapy for an individual and therapy for a couple, is that the client is the relationship itself, not the members of the relationship. This means that the counselor acts as an impartial supportive participant and keeps the relationship as the focus of the therapy sessions.
While many choose to meet with the partners individually at times, they always remain dedicated to the couple as a whole as the process unfolds. Therapists often set boundaries and expectations at the start of couples work. Therapists are wary of becoming “secret keepers” so they usually clarify upfront that anything that is shared during an individual session is fair game to be brought up during a couples’ session. Sometimes, a couples therapist may require you to agree to their secrets policy, which is an agreement not to include the therapist in on any secret information that the other person in the relationship does not know.
You may be surprised to find out that not every couples counselor is the same. There’s a lot of variety when it comes to their educational backgrounds and areas of specialty, but they all have one thing in common: They want you to enjoy your life more, improve your communication, and help you lower stress!
Therapists can come from many different educational backgrounds. Common examples are Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT), Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC), Licensed Independent Clinical Social Workers (LICSW), and Psychologists (PhDs and PsyDs). Some psychiatrists may practice as couples counselors too. The educational background is not that important so long as your therapist is trained to work with couples. With the exception of MFTs, not every educational background requires training with couples and families. Working with a relationship is much different than working with an individual, so it is important to ask your counselor about their training and experience with relationships.
Finding the right couples counselor for you can be a difficult and time-consuming process. But with these helpful tips, I hope it won’t take long to find someone who is licensed through your state and has training in therapy methods that are most appropriate for you! The quickest way to find a qualified clinician is to use a directory website. Some of the popular directories include Psychology Today, Zencare, and Good Therapy. These sites often list therapists’ specialties on their site; this is an excellent place to start looking when searching online. These sites are some of the best resources to find couples counseling in Boston. You can use these resources to find other types of therapists in Boston or Greater Massachusetts as well.
If your health insurance includes benefits for couples counseling, you can also look through their provider search tool to find in-network counselors in your area of Boston or the suburbs.
There are many factors that go into determining the cost of counseling services, including where you live and what type of treatment is needed. The average full-fee cost of a 50-minute therapy session in Boston can range anywhere from $150-200, but rates vary depending on your therapist’s experience or specific geographical location, as well as their specific qualifications and training. For example, couples counseling in Boston may be more expensive than relationship counseling in Natick or in Cambridge.
Marriage counseling is a great way to work through issues you may be experiencing. Whether it’s marriage problems or just figuring out how to make time for each other, couples therapy can help! But not all insurance plans cover this type of treatment so before doing anything else, call your insurance provider and find out if they’ll pay for some or all sessions with the counselor. Most insurance plans require a member of the couple to be diagnosed with a psychiatric “DSM” diagnosis.
If you are able to use your health insurance, you will either be responsible for co-payments or the entire cost depending on your insurance plan and whether you have a high deductible or not. Most counselors will allow you to pay for your session costs with Health Savings or Flexible Spending accounts. If you want to see a counselor who is not in-network with your insurance plan, you may be able to get the majority of the cost of each session reimbursed by your insurer. These are known as out-of-network benefits and you can call your insurer to find out if these benefits are included in your health plan.
Obviously, if you and your partner feel you have met all the goals you set with the therapist in the beginning, it may be time to wind down. Of course, this is likely to take some time. You should be checking in on the progress of your relationship goals on a weekly basis and you should be determining if these goals are still appropriate at least every three months.
If you have come to therapy in crisis, it is important that you consider whether you have long-term relationship goals you want to meet. Sometimes when clients come to therapy in crisis, they do a little bit of work and begin to feel better. Then, they decide to stop coming to therapy, because they no longer feel it’s necessary. In many cases, this is just the beginning of the process and the clients may find that their real problems haven’t gone away. Good counseling takes time. If couples only come to therapy for a short period of time, they do not get the benefits that can result from working closely with a counselor.
If you are sure that the fit with the therapist is not a good one, this is another reason to end therapy. If your partner is not committed or not interested in therapy, it may be time to discuss whether continuing therapy is the right choice. Finally, you should always end couples therapy if your therapist does something you consider to be inappropriate or unethical.
Couples therapy is not recommended for relationships where one of the partners is abusive. Domestic violence is not a relationship issue. For more information, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If anger and conflict issues are present, the abusive partner should be advised to go into individual therapy. Seek help if you find yourself in this type of relationship. Massachusetts lists resources for those in the state and in the Greater Boston area. I have linked those resources here.
COVID-19 has accelerated the adoption of online counseling. Previously, if you were looking for counseling in Boston, you would have to drive to an office. Nowadays, couples therapy can be done completely online. In fact, many insurance providers in Massachusetts are now covering online therapy at the same level as in-person services. It is important that you have a confidential and quiet location to meet with your couples therapist and a high-speed internet connection. Most online options allow you to join your therapist even if you are not in the same location as your partner. However, your counselor must be in the state of Massachusetts to practice online.
Couples counseling is still helpful for these couples, but you may need to find a therapist who is experienced in mental health disorders. Some couples therapists also specialize in depression, anxiety, anger issues and self-esteem counseling.
However, it is important that your partner receive individual counseling to work through their issues. You are much more likely to make progress with your relationship if each partner is working through their own emotional challenges.
With this guide, you should be able to find the perfect couples therapist in Boston. Couples counseling often comes as a major life transition for many couples. I hope these tips help make your search easier and more successful so reach out today if you’re ready to start getting relief from your relationship problems.
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]]>The post 10+ Exercises for Couples: How to Improve Your Relationship at Home appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>One thing that has been found helpful by some experts is scheduling time to spend together. Even if it is just watching a movie, you are still actively spending time with your partner and having fun!
In addition to scheduling this time together, it is important that each member of the relationship schedules time for themselves as individuals. This promotes independence between each partner which makes the other person feel special instead of like they’re competing for your time! Creating an “us time” is also important. This means having your own activities or interests outside of the relationship, but which you enjoy doing as a couple from time to time.
Another technique you could try at home is called “self as sender.” With this technique, one person first shares something about themselves and then asks the other what they may be feeling or noticing after hearing this information from their partner. This helps each person get in touch with their own feelings and thoughts about the other person.
Couples can also try to use a journal together where they can express their thoughts and feelings with one another and about the relationship. Journaling as a couple teaches each partner to take responsibility for their feelings and thoughts, instead of blaming the other for how they feel.
Especially during COVID times, it is important for couples to have their own space as well. This means both partners should each have a personal area where they can go and not feel the need to constantly stay in contact with one another all day long. You and your partner could work together on designing your spaces with your own interests in mind. While time together is very important, individual time and space are equally important to a healthy relationship. Couples should also have their own interests and hobbies outside of each other. This will help them keep balance in their time together, as well as give you both something new to talk about whenever you get the chance!
Set aside time for one another every day, even if it’s just 15 minutes each. You could spend this time talking about your feelings, going on a walk together or having some quiet conversation. What you do in this time is less important than the fact that you’re taking time for each other. Make your home a safe space for one another to share feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment. One way couples can do this is by having “talk” times where they turn the TV, phone or computer off and just talk about their days, emotions, worries, or dreams with less distractions interfering.
Use this time to try a conversation game or share an experience from childhood that you remember fondly. When sharing these things with your partner, be mindful of the mood you’re both in. If it’s a difficult time for one or both of you, then don’t share those memories and instead do something else. This is an important exercise because it helps people get to know their partners better by learning more about them as people.
Lastly, couples can try something new in the bedroom! If they have been on the same routine for years with no variation, give it some spice and flip roles every now and then. Experimenting sexually is not only exciting but also leads to improved intimacy and knowledge about your partner.
Achieving your goals as a couple can be done by setting attainable and realistic expectations. It is important that you take the time to invest in your relationship. The fact that you are even searching out exercises to improve your relationship shows you are committed and interested in deepening the intimacy with your partner. If you need more assistance in improving your relationship, reach out to me today!
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]]>The post 5 Thoughtful Homework Assignments for Couples in Therapy appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>The first homework exercise to try is to write a letter about your partner’s best qualities. Write what you love most about them and why they are so special to you. After writing the letter, write the response from their perspective on their best qualities that they notice in themselves and how being with you makes them feel. This exercise will help you to see the best qualities in your partner and allow you to understand more about what they love about themselves.
Another exercise is to think of one thing that your partner has done or said recently that made you really happy. Ask yourself if there are patterns in those moments: when do these things tend to happen? What activities seem to lead up to this positive interaction?” Ask your partner if they have noticed the same patterns or if they see things differently. This is also a wonderful way to create more empathy and understanding for one another.
Every day, for at least two weeks (depending on how quickly you catch on), take five minutes and write down three things that went well today or what made your partner happy. This can be as simple as going out for ice cream with friends when it’s not their turn for childcare. The idea is that there should always be more positive than negative in the world; so by taking even just a few moments every day to check in, you can make sure that your partner knows what made them happy and reinforce those positive interactions.
Reflecting on your current or recent feelings is a great way to get more in touch with what you’re feeling and it can help your partner do the same. With your partner, start by trying to reflect on how you are feeling right now, and what things in the current moment bring up those feelings. This is a good time to ask your partner if they are feeling anything similar.
While giving gratitude may sound cliche, it does actually matter; there are studies showing that people who do this have lower levels of depression and anxiety than those who don’t. Being mindful about what is good in our lives leads to us appreciating other aspects as well – even if we might not be feeling so great overall right now.
One fun homework assignment for couples in therapy is to create a book of memories that span over your time together. This means going back through photographs, letters, notes, etc. Anything meaningful! There are no rules other than both partners taking part- provide some context by writing about what happened at the moment these things occurred when possible (this may take more effort from one person).
A fourth homework exercise is to try and have a conversation about your feelings, in which you start with the sentence “I feel…”
For example:
“I feel really sad. I think that’s because my mom ____.”
This specific homework assignment may be too difficult for some couples as it deals with strong emotions, but if this one fits you well then it can be very helpful. It also helps the person who feels more hurt or vulnerable to know their partner cares enough to listen. And, even when they don’t understand what has caused the pain, just saying “I’m here,” validates those raw feelings of anger or sadness.
You could also practice “alternative empathy.” Alternative empathy is a type of empathy that is not just feeling for someone else. It’s more about understanding and being able to see through their perspective with nonjudgmental kindness. This means you help them feel better by trying to understand what has gone on in their life, where they are coming from, and then offering your support.
The hardest part of practicing alternative empathy is the fact that we don’t always know what our partners are going through. We can only imagine, and sometimes it’s hard to do this because if you’re not careful, you might assume things about them based on your own life experience which could be limiting.
The best way I have found to practice empathy is by not expecting anything in return; just being there with a person who may or may not even want your help at the time will benefit them later. This means offering without expectation but understanding where they come from while also honoring their boundaries. It helps us see ourselves as someone else would and how our intentions might make others feel.
A final homework assignment for couples in therapy to try is to spend time each day considering the five senses. It’s so easy in our busy lives to just go through life on autopilot and not really be present for anything we’re doing, but this exercise will help you experience the world around you as if it were new again while also creating a space where your partner can share their thoughts without any pressure or expectations.
If you like working on your relationship outside of the therapy office or tele-meeting, try one of these exercises. Let me know how it goes. If you are considering starting couples therapy, get in touch with me today!
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]]>The post Emotional Abuse and Common Tactics appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>An easier way to think of a “return on investment” is to consider what do I get out of my investment in dollars, energy, or time. A good financial return will often earn you back your money invested plus additional dollars. A good investment in physical health will save you money on healthcare costs and save you from the emotional toll of an illness. An investment in your relationship leads to feeling fulfilled and avoiding unnecessary mistakes in communication or breaking of trust.
Maintaining a strong, emotional connection in a marriage can be challenging, especially in today’s fast-paced society. It’s easy to lose ourselves in our work, our children, and our devices. With all of the distractions of daily life, it’s common for marital connection to be put on the back burner. After working with couples in crisis over many years, I began to encourage couples to invest daily in their relationship through a daily check in. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.
In a strong marriage, your partner is your primary source of emotional attachment and security. Therefore, it’s beneficial to keep a pulse on how each other is doing. Without incorporating this common practice, miscommunication happens, or we find ourselves reading the tone and energy of our partner the wrong way. Imagine coming home from a long day of work. You’re tired, stressed, and the kids are hungry. Your partner has had a similarly overwhelming day. As soon as you walk into the house, your partner asks what’s for dinner. It is common for the first interaction with one another after a long, hectic day to set the tone for the evening. If your partner jumps into questions about dinner, kids, and baths without checking in with you, it’s possible that an argument could follow.
This all sounds great, right? But what happens when one partner needs to be alone and the other partner needs quality time together? If you spend a lifetime with the same person and regularly practice the art of checking in, you’re bound to have this happen more than once. The purpose of checking in is to learn to identify your needs and to effectively communicate them to your partner. There’s nothing wrong with needing some alone time to recharge, just as there is nothing wrong with needing good quality time together to reconnect. In the event that your partner’s needs for the evening directly conflict with yours, acknowledge the need for different things and ask your partner for a compromise. Perhaps they can give the kids a bath while you enjoy some alone time, and then the two of you can meet up later in the evening to watch a show together. It’s important to put together a loose plan that meets the needs of both partners so each of you will feel cared for.
Learning how to check in with your partner as a small, daily practice can build better communication as well as help each of you to learn how to assess your own needs within the relationship. By making this a daily ritual, you will avoid senseless arguments that often occur between couples when they are feeling overwhelmed or tired. This small investment in your relationship often results in a huge return. Giving one another an opportunity to ask for what is needed while demonstrating a willingness to meet those needs sets the tone for the evening and shows that you value your partner’s well-being.
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]]>The post The Investment of Checking In appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>An easier way to think of a “return on investment” is to consider what do I get out of my investment in dollars, energy, or time. A good financial return will often earn you back your money invested plus additional dollars. A good investment in physical health will save you money on healthcare costs and save you from the emotional toll of an illness. An investment in your relationship leads to feeling fulfilled and avoiding unnecessary mistakes in communication or breaking of trust.
Maintaining a strong, emotional connection in a marriage can be challenging, especially in today’s fast-paced society. It’s easy to lose ourselves in our work, our children, and our devices. With all of the distractions of daily life, it’s common for marital connection to be put on the back burner. After working with couples in crisis over many years, I began to encourage couples to invest daily in their relationship through a daily check in. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.
In a strong marriage, your partner is your primary source of emotional attachment and security. Therefore, it’s beneficial to keep a pulse on how each other is doing. Without incorporating this common practice, miscommunication happens, or we find ourselves reading the tone and energy of our partner the wrong way. Imagine coming home from a long day of work. You’re tired, stressed, and the kids are hungry. Your partner has had a similarly overwhelming day. As soon as you walk into the house, your partner asks what’s for dinner. It is common for the first interaction with one another after a long, hectic day to set the tone for the evening. If your partner jumps into questions about dinner, kids, and baths without checking in with you, it’s possible that an argument could follow.
This all sounds great, right? But what happens when one partner needs to be alone and the other partner needs quality time together? If you spend a lifetime with the same person and regularly practice the art of checking in, you’re bound to have this happen more than once. The purpose of checking in is to learn to identify your needs and to effectively communicate them to your partner. There’s nothing wrong with needing some alone time to recharge, just as there is nothing wrong with needing good quality time together to reconnect. In the event that your partner’s needs for the evening directly conflict with yours, acknowledge the need for different things and ask your partner for a compromise. Perhaps they can give the kids a bath while you enjoy some alone time, and then the two of you can meet up later in the evening to watch a show together. It’s important to put together a loose plan that meets the needs of both partners so each of you will feel cared for.
Learning how to check in with your partner as a small, daily practice can build better communication as well as help each of you to learn how to assess your own needs within the relationship. By making this a daily ritual, you will avoid senseless arguments that often occur between couples when they are feeling overwhelmed or tired. This small investment in your relationship often results in a huge return. Giving one another an opportunity to ask for what is needed while demonstrating a willingness to meet those needs sets the tone for the evening and shows that you value your partner’s well-being.
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]]>The post Goals for Successful Co-Parenting appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>The experience of divorce is rated as one of life’s most stressful events for good reason. Divorce feels like a death that happens over and over again. When you add children to the equation, it’s a brutal reality that parents must face. All tasks become hard to handle when the foundation of your life is crumbling beneath your feet.
The good news is that it does get better. The pain can be overcome. A new normal will emerge. Though there will be tears and trials, you will learn and grow and keep moving forward, and one day in the future, you will wake up and love your life again. However, as a newly divorced parent, there’s an unfamiliar dynamic you’ll have to decipher: co-parenting.
The long-standing stereotype in our society is that you must have an acrimonious relationship with your ex-spouse. For some reason, we’ve been fed the belief that peace with your ex-spouse cannot exist on the other side of divorce. I’m sure you have heard horror stories from well-meaning friends. The message is pretty clear. “Get ready for a fight.”
I won’t sugarcoat the actual process of going through a divorce. It can be brutal. There may be expensive court proceedings and lots of pain and confusion to work through. But the actual process will pass, and as a parent, you have a choice to make. Your life and the lives of your children will be healthier and more peaceful if you choose a peaceful co-parenting relationship. This requires both you and your ex-spouse to make intentional choices along the way, and they aren’t always easy. Regardless, you can rest assured that setting these co- parenting boundaries with one your former partner early on will give your children the best chance to thrive in their post-divorce world.
It’s often tempting to avoid the pain or frustration of face-to-face conversation by sending a quick message through the kids: “Tell your dad I need a copy of your birth certificate.” It seems benign. What’s the harm? But, your children feel the weight of being little messengers, and one simple message quickly becomes a habit. Do not burden your children with the business of handling adult tasks. Communicate with your ex directly, through a medium that you are comfortable. Stick to the facts, and don’t communicate when you’re emotional. If discussions often turn volatile, there are co-parenting apps that might help streamline the process.
Again, adult business is no place for young ears. Finances are almost always a point of contention at some point during co-parenting. Make every effort to avoid any discussions about money around your children. Do not make disparaging remarks about how much you paid or how little your ex paid. Your children do not need to know anything about their needs are paid for.
Make every effort to schedule special trips or events during your regular parenting time. If there’s a need to schedule something outside of your parenting time, discuss this with your ex prior to scheduling. Time is a co-parenting currency and should be treated with value. If you borrow days from your ex, offer to make up the time in another way.
We all know someone who got divorced and remarried two months later. These situations are going to happen, and when they do, they are like salt in an open wound. However, the vast majority of newly single parents are going to go on dates and meet lots of new people. It’s important to limit your kids’ exposure to new dating partners until the relationship has some real legs to it. Children, especially those in a newly divorced home, need stability, and they need to establish a bond with you as the only parent in the home. Give them this sacred space. Dating is an adult activity, and it shouldn’t involve your kids until there are plans to elevate the relationship to a higher level.
This is really just the tip of the co-parenting iceberg, but these boundaries will set the tone for a more calm post-divorce existence. The bottom line is that you and your children have been through a difficult time. Make sure to allow time and space for healing, and commit to yourself and your children that you will be intentional about guarding their peace. The high road is hard and lonely at times, but you’ll be thankful for it when your children become well-functioning young adults. You will never regret cultivating peace in the lives of your kids.
Contact me if you would like to discuss positive co-parenting in your own circumstances!
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]]>The post Content versus Process appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>When I first begin to meet with a couple, one of the most important discussions we have is the difference between content and process. There’s a reason that this tops my list of priorities in sessions. Helping couples understand the difference between the two can set the course for meeting their therapy goals.
Content is what you and your partner might come into the session wanting to discuss. Examples include, “Brady always forgets to wash the dishes,” or “Diane won’t meet my family when she said she would.” These arguments are usually topical and might include common themes like child-rearing, in-laws, finances, or vacations. It’s typical for couples to continue their arguments over content upon entering the therapist’s office. In fact, many couples perceive the therapist’s role as “judge,” and they often enter a session pleading their case, and wanting a winner declared.
Therapists, however, are trained to avoid the quicksand of content in favor of process. Process refers to how couples communicate such as tone of voice, word choice, and communication patterns like passive aggression. A great example of process would be speaking in absolutes. When a partner states that, “he never listens to me,” or “she always rejects me,” they are expressing an absolute. While the feeling behind these statements are entirely valid, a therapist’s ears perk up at the mention of “always” and “never.” They can’t possibly be true, as no one ever does anything all of the time or never at all. Absolutes indicate that deeper, more vulnerable feelings are the driving force behind the story. By focusing on process, couples are able to reconnect through shared emotional experiences.
It’s not so much what couples say to each other, rather it’s how they say it, that can damage their marriage. I work closely with couples to shift their focus away from the content of their latest argument toward the process of how they communicate with one another. By adopting this practice early on in our sessions, couples can learn new ways to communicate and see real healing happen within their relationship. Reach out to me today if you and your partner could benefit from learning more about how you communicate!
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]]>The post Should We Break Up? appeared first on Boston Couples Therapy.
]]>When meeting with couples, I get one question almost more than any other: “Should we break up?” In a world with so much uncertainty, couples on the brink are likely searching for the certainty an expert could offer. A well-trained couples therapist would never answer this question with a direct “Yes or No” and understandably that may frustrate some couples.
Couples come to therapy and lay out their hearts and their shared distress and they see the therapist as the “expert.” So, a refusal to answer this question may leave you frustrated or confused. How come a couples therapist won’t tell you whether to break up? There are a few reasons.
There’s an excerpt I like from the book, Skin in the Game, by Nicholas Taleb:
I went on television once to announce a newly published book and got stuck in the studio, drafted to become part of a roundtable with two journalists plus the anchor. The topic of the day was Microsoft, a company that was in existence at the time. Everyone, including the anchor, chipped in. My turn came: ‘I own no Microsoft stock, I am short no Microsoft stock, hence I can’t talk about it.’
“Skin in the game” is short hand for personal investment. I am not a member of your relationship and your decision does not affect my day-to-day life. I am invested in making sure you reach your relationship goals, but whatever decision you make will have real impactful implications in your life. The downside if I offer an opinion and its wrong is zero. For that reason, it would be unfair of me to have such a profound impact on the decision. Without a true investment in the decision, I cannot and should not give an opinion.
Now do not get me wrong, I do consider myself an expert. I have an expertise in communication, an expertise in building intimacy, an expertise in helping couples hear each other and an expertise in mental health. However, I do not have an expertise in your specific relationship. Only the members of a relationship (you!) have that expertise and they should be the ones who make such a big decision. I can help explore different options, consider all factors, have difficult discussions, examine individual and relational needs and support you in making critical decisions. Sadly, I cannot answer this difficult question for you.
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