Goals for Successful Co-Parenting
The experience of divorce is rated as one of life’s most stressful events for good reason. Divorce feels like a death that happens over and over again. When you add children to the equation, it’s a brutal reality that parents must face. All tasks become hard to handle when the foundation of your life is crumbling beneath your feet.
The good news is that it does get better. The pain can be overcome. A new normal will emerge. Though there will be tears and trials, you will learn and grow and keep moving forward, and one day in the future, you will wake up and love your life again. However, as a newly divorced parent, there’s an unfamiliar dynamic you’ll have to decipher: co-parenting.
The long-standing stereotype in our society is that you must have an acrimonious relationship with your ex-spouse. For some reason, we’ve been fed the belief that peace with your ex-spouse cannot exist on the other side of divorce. I’m sure you have heard horror stories from well-meaning friends. The message is pretty clear. “Get ready for a fight.”
I won’t sugarcoat the actual process of going through a divorce. It can be brutal. There may be expensive court proceedings and lots of pain and confusion to work through. But the actual process will pass, and as a parent, you have a choice to make. Your life and the lives of your children will be healthier and more peaceful if you choose a peaceful co-parenting relationship. This requires both you and your ex-spouse to make intentional choices along the way, and they aren’t always easy. Regardless, you can rest assured that setting these co- parenting boundaries with one your former partner early on will give your children the best chance to thrive in their post-divorce world.
Never Communicate Through Your Children
It’s often tempting to avoid the pain or frustration of face-to-face conversation by sending a quick message through the kids: “Tell your dad I need a copy of your birth certificate.” It seems benign. What’s the harm? But, your children feel the weight of being little messengers, and one simple message quickly becomes a habit. Do not burden your children with the business of handling adult tasks. Communicate with your ex directly, through a medium that you are comfortable. Stick to the facts, and don’t communicate when you’re emotional. If discussions often turn volatile, there are co-parenting apps that might help streamline the process.
Don’t Talk About Money Around Your Kids
Again, adult business is no place for young ears. Finances are almost always a point of contention at some point during co-parenting. Make every effort to avoid any discussions about money around your children. Do not make disparaging remarks about how much you paid or how little your ex paid. Your children do not need to know anything about their needs are paid for.
Respect Each Other’s Parenting Time
Make every effort to schedule special trips or events during your regular parenting time. If there’s a need to schedule something outside of your parenting time, discuss this with your ex prior to scheduling. Time is a co-parenting currency and should be treated with value. If you borrow days from your ex, offer to make up the time in another way.
Never Speak Ill of your Ex
Avoid Introducing New Dating Partners Until the Relationship is Serious
We all know someone who got divorced and remarried two months later. These situations are going to happen, and when they do, they are like salt in an open wound. However, the vast majority of newly single parents are going to go on dates and meet lots of new people. It’s important to limit your kids’ exposure to new dating partners until the relationship has some real legs to it. Children, especially those in a newly divorced home, need stability, and they need to establish a bond with you as the only parent in the home. Give them this sacred space. Dating is an adult activity, and it shouldn’t involve your kids until there are plans to elevate the relationship to a higher level.
This is really just the tip of the co-parenting iceberg, but these boundaries will set the tone for a more calm post-divorce existence. The bottom line is that you and your children have been through a difficult time. Make sure to allow time and space for healing, and commit to yourself and your children that you will be intentional about guarding their peace. The high road is hard and lonely at times, but you’ll be thankful for it when your children become well-functioning young adults. You will never regret cultivating peace in the lives of your kids.
Contact me if you would like to discuss positive co-parenting in your own circumstances!
